Free PDF The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together
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The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together
Free PDF The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together
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Review
“In this beautifully reasoned, highly personal, and very generous book of advice and analysis, Daphne de Marneffe proposes that the rough patch that occurs in most midlife relationships should be cherished. For those who can endure it, it can generate a new reciprocity, deepening the very intimacies it threatened to break. De Marneffe writes with poetry, wit, and compassion about the necessity of struggle in the quest for true love. Anyone in any relationship at any stage of life could stand to learn from the wisdom in these pages.” —Andrew Solomon, National Book Award-winning author of Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity and The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression“Through its title alone, The Rough Patch puts into words to what most of us experience every day: that long-term relationships are uneven, bumpy and difficult. With courage and compassion, de Marneffe challenges readers everywhere to take responsibility for the lives they want, to change the conversation they are having with themselves—and with their partners—from ‘This isn't the marriage I thought I'd have’ to ‘Am I the being the partner I thought I'd be?’ There isn't a couple in America who would not benefit from a copy--or two copies--of this book.” —Meg Jay, PhD, author of The Defining Decade and Supernormal“Like a magician, Daphne de Marneffe is able to deftly transport couples from one side of a seemingly insurmountable impasse to the other. Her wand is this magnificent book, The Rough Patch, and, in the hands of the reader, there is no trickery or sleight of hand, but rather the wisdom and tools to penetrate the fog and darkness of marital discord and make one's way into the clear light of a renewed connection” —Ian Kerner, PhD LMFT, New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First “Daphne de Marneffe, a terrific therapist based on the vivid anecdotes in this book, has written a wise and compassionate account of the rough patches that almost all midlife couples slide into, and how it's possible to get out of them. But this book is also a must read for younger couples who want to pay attention to the warning signs along the way, and for late-life couples who want to look back on their relationships with greater sympathy and understanding.” —Philip A. Cowan, Professor of Psychology Emeritus & Carolyn Pape Cowan, Adjunct Professor of Psychology, Emerita, University of California, Berkeley“Daphne de Marneffe’s The Rough Patch is remarkable for its combination of warmth and clarity. Anyone grappling with the bewilderment of midlife partnership – what Wendell Berry calls ‘the troubles of duration’—will be at once provoked and comforted by this enormously wise book.” —Dani Shapiro, author of Hourglass: Time, Memory, Marriage and Devotion: A Memoir“This book is full of observations that may help troubled partners think differently about their relationship....A book of good intentions and helpful advice and a worthy manual for spouses.” —Kirkus Reviews“Densely packed with de Marneffe’s extensive knowledge of human emotional development and the parent-child relationships that affect us from birth, [The Rough Patch] will be as useful to care providers and those who study family psychology as it will be to readers seeking a deeper—and ultimately hopeful—understanding of their own marriages.” —Booklist“I’d like to take full credit for these personal improvements, but I confess: it was all The Rough Patch, Daphne de Marneffe’s insightful, provocative new book about marriage and midlife.” —Ada Calhoun, The Cut
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About the Author
Daphne de Marneffe, PhD, is a psychologist and the author of The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together and Maternal Desire: On Children, Love, and the Inner Life. In her clinical practice, she offers psychotherapy to couples and individuals. She teaches and lectures widely on marriage, couple therapy, adult development, and parenthood. Her research and scholarly work has been published in professional journals. She and her husband have three children and live in the San Francisco Bay Area.
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Product details
Hardcover: 368 pages
Publisher: Scribner (January 23, 2018)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1501118919
ISBN-13: 978-1501118913
Product Dimensions:
6 x 1.2 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.2 out of 5 stars
22 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#44,715 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Excellent book. Really inspirational for long-term couples and full of recommendations on how to build a stronger marriage. The best book I've read on the topic. There are times where it goes too deep into the details of psychological studies and these parts lost me, but overall a fantastic book to read for anyone who's had a great marriage for many years and is looking for ways to keep going for many more years!
I thought this was a slog to read. It jumped all over the place and made broad assertions throughout, without presenting evidence for those assertions.
You don’t need to be going though a rough patch to be able to glean the many intricacies of human relationships and learn from them and to be ready for the rough patch when it does happen. The very practical wisdom in this book not only introduces open individuals to a richer and more meaningful life with others, it does so with oneself; as one soon finds that essentially all relationships are about.
Very long chapters, had to take breaks reading, heavy lengthy material. Applicable.
Well written, clear, informative book about the problems of maintaining loving relationships and ways of considering what's going on when things are not going well. Highly recommend!
I so appreciate de Marneffe's thoughtful and compassionate book. She makes complex psychological theories about attachment and projection come alive with clear and concise prose. The book is fundamentally hopeful about couples' capacity to grow and evolve, and become more intimate, through the rough patch. But she doesn't offer pat solutions that are simplistic or formulaic. Nor does she judge couples that are, for a variety of reasons, not able to weather the rough patch.
The Rough PatchThe book certainly delivers what it promises – and delivers succinctly and in style.I learned a lot, and I enjoyed it. It is relate-able and enjoyable and as serious as its subjectrequires without being stuffy. It's a book that encourages and rewards reflection. I am sure that It will help me with my marriage.If I had to summarize the book in a few sentences they would be: Engagement is love, and stay engaged. Be grateful when marriage is easy but be ready for it to be hard. Even bad relationships are worth fighting for.The writing is strong and substantial on very nuanced topics, and I was amazed by how much ground was covered in a comparatively short book - and without taking any obvious shortcuts.The author speaks from and to both practice and theory, and overall it expresses hopefulness without offering easy solutions or minimizing the pain involved. To this rough patch adult, that mature perspective is essential. I wouldn't be interested in some kind of simplistic treatment in the "I'm Okay; You're Okay" or "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.." vein.I also liked the book's structure. The chapter subjects and order worked for me. And I think it had a comfortable and very persuasive balance of life examples and "doctor in the house" exposition. Many of the topics resonated. I was especially struck by a story of a woman who almost tossed away her good marriage based on an intense and hyper-irrational infatuation. I could relate to her combination of heart-ache in her obsession, powerlessness in the face of her triggers, and self-loathing in understanding the wispy, insubstantial basis for her emotions.The book makes clear that the rough patch can be, at its worst, a time of true despair, and it takes some bravery to look directly at that. When you look at the simultaneous combination of resolution and sensitivity required to sustain long term marriage, it really is daunting. But the book presents a quiet and reassuring confidence - without being naive. I don't think a person much younger than the author, or in a different profession, or one who has never been a spouse & parent could have written it.I was especially impacted by the last chapter, and its theme of "love is the conversation; to converse is to love." I am a Californian writing this from Boston - I'm here with my aging mother for a few days - and after finishing this book, I had a deep urge to call my wife.
I bough this book hoping for advice on coping with the rough patch or at least insight into understanding it. I was disappointed on both counts. I'm not sure whom the book is aimed at. It's certainly not a self-help guide, because there are no suggestions on how to get through the rough patch. The writing style suggests it's aimed more at people with a background in psychology and psychoanalysis; or perhaps text such as "In adolescence, we start to weave our tastes, interests, and talents into a set of identifications and values and link them to larger social purposes" are more mainstream than I imagine."The Rough Patch" is a title that resonates with me, both because it sounds like what I'm experiencing and because it implies that it's temporary--that the way will eventually become smooth again. Unfortunately, the content fails to live up to the promise of the title. Having read the book, I don't think I understand the rough patch any better than before, nor did I glean any ideas on how to get it behind me (and my spouse) sooner instead of later.
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